The Unexpected
by Shonetta
Summary: JC. Follows on from Endgame. Janeway learns that there was another reason why the Admiral traveled back in time, a reason that changes her life forever.
1. Chapter One

_Star Trek Voyager is the property of Paramount Pictures_

**THE UNEXPECTED **

CHAPTER 1

**2378**

Admiral Kathryn Janeway walked slowly through a golden woodland. She wore a brown duffle coat over black trousers and black gloves covered her hands. On her head she wore a brown woolen hat, her auburn hair just peeping underneath. A soft west wind blew, rustling the leaves in the trees and every now and then a golden leaf fluttered gently to the ground. She and Phoebe had often come here with their father while they were children. Phoebe would hold his hand as they walked through the woods while she would run ahead, collecting samples of soil or leaves for whatever science project she had been working on at the time. Since they had returned to Earth five months ago, she had visited this place often. She had never imagined she would live in Indiana again, but seven years in the Delta Quadrant had changed her mind about so many things. So many times she had thought she would never see her mother or sister again and now she just wanted to be close to them. It was easy to transport to work every day.

She reached a silver river that flowed through the land and sat upon a gray rock she had always sat upon as a child. She looked around. Everything was just as she remembered, even the distinctive shape of an ancient tree in the distance. In this place time had stood still. She closed her eyes and for a moment she could see her father and sister playing before her, could hear their laughter echo on the wind. She felt close to her father here and had spent many an hour sitting by the river in those dark months that followed his tragic death. He would be so proud of all that she had accomplished, that she knew. She knew that she should be proud of herself too, that she should be completely content with her life. She had achieved her mission of getting the crew home, had been promoted to Admiral, and no charges had been brought against the Maquis.

But she wasn't content. There was an emptiness inside, a void she didn't know how to fill. Some people could be happy with only their career, but she needed more than that, always had. She needed love. She needed it more than anything. But it seemed to be the one thing that would always elude her. She seemed destined to lose every man she had ever loved. Justin... Mark... Chakotay... It was always the same. Something would happen beyond her control to take them away from her.

Even now she could feel the pain of the wound Justin's death had made in her heart. She had loved him with all that she was and all that she could be. He had been her life. They had been each others lives, and life without him had been unbearable. Day had seemed to drag into day and all days seemed to be just one day. One long dark night. She had vowed then she would never love another man again. But then there had been Mark. He had befriended her in those darkest hours and she had come to depend on his care, his company and she had loved him deeply. But now, on reflection, she wondered if she had truly been in love with him. She had once told Chakotay that Mark had been her safety net and perhaps that is what he always had been. It had been a long and painful road to accept that she had lost him, but in the deepest regions of her heart she knew that it had perhaps been for the best. She had not felt for him what she felt for Justin, and knew she had not felt for him what she came to feel for Chakotay.

Chakotay.

This last wound to her heart was still fresh. She had fought tooth and nail not to fall in love with him, but it had been a hopeless battle. He was a handsome man, without a doubt, but many men were handsome and it was his gentleness, his kindness, and his compassion that had attracted her to him. She had cried herself to sleep many nights in those first months they were stranded as she missed Mark, missed her family, and she was scared of the responsibility on her shoulders. But Chakotay had made that burden lighter, had made everything easier. To him she had always been Kathryn first, then the Captain. She doubted she could have got through those first two years without him. He had made her laugh when she wanted to cry, had lifted her up when she felt she was going to fall, and always, without question, had believed she would get the crew home. She had come to love him and then slowly, exquisitely, she had fallen in love with him.

She gazed into the water before her and she could see a ghost of Chakotay's face smiling back at her. When she closed her eyes she could see him clearly, his image burned deep into her memory, safe for all time. As she let her mind drift back in time, she found herself back at the place she had visited in her memory a thousand times, New Earth. There he had told her in a beautiful ancient legend that he loved her, and later that night, that precious night, they had made sweet and tender love. She wiped away a tear as she remembered how hurt Chakotay had been when the crew came back for them and she told him she could not be his captain and his lover. Then she had still foolishly believed that they would make it home in a year or two.

For so long he had waited for her to change her mind, but she never had. She kept on shutting him out, pushing him away, until in the end he was far beyond her reach. He and Seven were no longer a couple, that she had heard, but not once had she seen Chakotay since the welcome home party Starfleet had held for them, and not a single letter or communication had exchanged between them. She didn't even know where he was. Somewhere in space, B'Elanna said, working on an archaeological excavation. She said he would be there for at least three years and for most of that time would be beyond communication range. It was too late for them now, perhaps it always had been. All she was left with now was regret, so many regrets. If she could do it all again, there were so many things she would do differently, so many things.

And yet, it was not to rectify any of those mistakes that Admiral Janeway had appeared from the future. That troubled her, troubled her greatly. There were so many ways the Admiral could have tried to get the crew home, so many times she could have returned too, and yet she had chosen that way, that time, possibly the most dangerous of them all. It was impossible to understand because it was not the time she would have chosen and certainly not the way. There had to have been a reason for her actions, and it had to have been more than Seven's death and Tuvok's illness. Every time she thought about it a cold shudder engulfed her. Whatever tragedy the Admiral was trying to avoid had to have been close in their lives. Even though it would never happen in her timeline, the thought of it still haunted her. She could not forget the pain in the Admiral's eyes when they were in the briefing room and she and the crew had decided to go ahead with the journey rather than accept her gift of a way home. _A lot has happened to me since I was you_, that's what she had said, but while she had told her so much about Seven and Tuvok, she had not mentioned one of those things that had happened to her.

A drop of rain fell on Kathryn's face and she looked up at the cloudy sky. It looked as though it would pour with rain any moment. She should have checked the weather forecast before leaving her house, but the sky had been blue and the sun shining. But, it was time she was heading home, anyway. She stood up slowly and pulled her coat tighter around herself. She was cold and suddenly very tired too. She had been feeling tired a lot lately and was waking up after hours of sleep as though she hadn't slept at all and quite nauseous. All she wanted to do now was go home to bed, but she had an appointment in just under three hours time with Anne Carter, Curator of Voyager.

Voyager was a museum now, just as the Admiral had told her. She had been there as a visitor once or twice, but it was hard being only a visitor on the ship that she had captained for seven years and that had been her home. It was probably hard for the others too. The Bridge had been fixed with holo-emitors so that visitors could be entertained with re-enactments of battles that had taken place in the Delta Quadrant. It had proved extremely popular and now the Curator wished to have more re-enactments on the ship, particularly in her ready room and engineering. She had told her that B'Elanna would be the better person to advise her about events in Engineering, but she would help as much as possible with her Ready Room and other places on the ship. The macroviruses she had fought in the corridors would certainly be entertaining to visitors.

Since they had returned home and especially after seeing the Bridge re-enactments, so many people came up to her and told her how great they thought she was, how brave, and what a heroine. She always smiled and thanked them, but she had never done any of it to be a heroine. All she had wanted was to get her crew home to their families. It was ironic. She had spent the past seven years thinking about nothing but getting the crew home, but now that they were home, a part of her longed to be in the Delta Quadrant again. Never could she have imagined how much she would miss everyone. But the burden on her shoulders had been a heavy one and she was glad to be free of it. She had just been the captain so long that it was taking time to find Kathryn again.

Before leaving, she glanced once more at the beautiful scene before her, indulged in the memories it evoked, and then turned once more to the winding path that would return her to the present.

* * *

The door chime sounded, waking Kathryn. She had fallen asleep on her sofa listening to the soft music of Mozart. The meeting with Anne Carter had lasted longer than she had expected and she had been absolutely exhausted afterwards. She sat up slowly and looked around. It had been light when she had lay down on the sofa, but now it was dusk.

"Computer, what time is it?"

"The time is 20:00 hours."

8 O'clock. Had she really slept for almost three hours?

The door chime sounded again and she groggily stood up and made her way to the door. She peeped into the security monitor to see who was there. It was the Doctor. She sighed. He was the last person she wanted to see right now. She opened the door.

When she spoke, her tone was abrupt, discourteous. "Doctor. What brings you here?"

"Well," he replied, "that's a very warm welcome. And they say my social skills need improving."

"I'm sorry, Doctor," Kathryn said, holding the door open for him to enter. "I'm not in the best of moods today."

"And not in the best of health by the look of you either," the Doctor continued.

"I'm just a little under the weather, that's all."

"Sounds to me like you need a check up, Admiral."

"No, I..."

The Doctor frowned.

"Oh, alright," Kathryn said, smiling inspite of herself, "if I must."

"And it just so happens," the Doctor said gesturing to a case in his hand, "that I have a med. kit right here."

"Very convenient I'm sure," Kathryn replied. "This wasn't really a social visit was it?"

"I saw you on Voyager today," he said, opening the case. "You didn't look at all well, at least not to my expert eye."

Kathryn gazed at the Doctor sadly. She knew that leaving Voyager had been hardest for him and Naomi. It had been the only home either had known. "Do you often visit Voyager?"

"Whenever I can," he said honestly. "But I have never seen you there before today."

"No," Kathryn answered. "I find it hard, Voyager belonging to someone else."

The Doctor looked up at her. "Voyager will always be your ship, Admiral," he said kindly.

"Our ship," Kathryn replied, tears welling in her eyes. "Our ship."

Holographic tears welled in the Doctor's eyes too and then he turned once again to the med. case and took out a tricorder.

"So, Admiral, what are your symptoms?"

"Just fatigue, mainly. I seem to feel tired all the time, and sometimes I feel nauseous too."

"How long have you been feeling this way?"

"A while. A week or two, perhaps. I always feel worse in the morning."

The Doctor began to fiddle with his tricorder.

"It could be exhaustion. You've worked yourself to the bone over the past seven years and haven't taken things any easier since we returned. You need to be kinder to your body."

He began to scan her with his tricorder. As he did so, he stepped away, almost as though he was dazed.  
"That can't be right," he said quietly.

He fiddled with the tricorder again and then scanned her a second time. "Exactly the same."

Kathryn's stomach began to churn from fear. "What is it, Doctor?"

He bit his holographic lip and looked up at her. "According to my tricorder, you're pregnant."

Kathryn stared at him a long moment and then seized the tricorder anxiously. "Let me see."

She looked at the displayed data. Sure enough, it indicated a life sign inside her.

"I don't believe this," she said. "It has to be a malfunction. There's no way in hell I could be pregnant."

The Doctor took back the tricorder. "Are you absolutely certain of that?"

"Of course I'm certain. I've lived the life of a nun for I don't know how long since. You need to get a new tricorder." She walked over to the replicator. "I'll replicate you one." She spoke to the machine. "One medical tricorder." A tricorder materialized. Kathryn picked it up and took it over to the Doctor. "Now scan me."

The Doctor did what he was told and then studied the data.

"Exactly the same," he said. "Without a doubt you're pregnant."

Frightened tears welled in Kathryn's eyes. "No, that can't be ... I haven't had intimate relations, I..."

"What about that alien you were involved with on Quarren?"

"Jaffen? But that was more than eight months ago."

"Inter-species conceptions and pregnancy vary greatly. Did you and he have intimate relations?"

"Yes, but it was just the once..."

"Once can be enough."

"But at my age? It would be difficult to conceive even if I tried."

"If we're talking about human-human conception. Human sperm only lives for days. But in some species, sperm lives for weeks or even months in the womb or the fallopian tubes, waiting patiently for an egg to be released." He paused. "When was your last period?"

"I can't remember," Kathryn replied quietly. "I haven't paid that much attention. I haven't been regular for a couple of years now."

"Try and think. Have you had a period since Quarren?"

She thought a moment. "No. I think the last one was just before. The one before that was when Chakotay and the others were under Teero's influence. I remember that because I had to take medication for the cramp." She sat down on her couch and hugged her cardigan to her body. "I don't understand this. My memories of what happened on Quarren are kind of hazy, especially the early days, but I can't believe I would be so careless or that those aliens would even allow their workers to get pregnant."

The Doctor sat beside her. "They were underpopulated. Of course they wanted their existing population to reproduce. They were sophisticated in the art of memory manipulation and in all likelihood manipulated your mind so that you wouldn't think about the necessity of birth control. You weren't in command of all your faculties. You even betrayed Chakotay to the authorities. You weren't responsible for your actions."

Kathryn buried her head in her hands. "Can you tell how many months pregnant I am?"

The Doctor scanned her again, worked his tricorder. "You're just over four months pregnant."

Four months? She had been pregnant for four months and never even suspected? "I would have known," she said quietly. "Four months is a long time..."

"Yes, but you had no reason to suspect a pregnancy. And you've always been far too negligent of your health. No doubt you just ignored any physical signs there may have been. It's also possible that the baby is developing at a slower rate than a full human baby which means that things are happening at a slower rate for you." He paused. "We'll have to do more tests to determine how long your pregnancy is likely to be. If we were on Voyager, I could do these tests myself, but now we're in the Alpha Quadrant, I'll have to refer you to a specialist."

A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek and with a trembling hand she wiped it away. This was all too much to take in. The Doctor saw her struggle to hold back the tears and hesitantly, reluctantly, he put his hand on her shoulder.

"Of course," he said, the words requiring effort as it went against all he, as a doctor, believed in, "if the fetus isn't sufficiently advanced, a termination may still be possible."

"No," Kathryn cried, getting to her feet. "It's out of the question. Absolutely out of the question!"

The Doctor stood also. "Then consider donation. It may be difficult to donate a fetus of an undocumented paternal species, but not impossible. There are many couples very desperate for a child."

Kathryn shook her head. "Donation carries too many risks. Five out ten babies don't survive the transplantation. I won't take that risk." She paused, forced back the tears. "I just need time to come to terms with it, that's all."

"Of course," the Doctor said gently. "I just want you to be aware of all the options."

She nodded tearfully. Her face was almost white now and she was trembling violently. The Doctor once again put his hand on her shoulder. "Let me get you a drink. Do you like apple juice?"

"Yes," she replied.

"Now that you're pregnant, you're going to have to significantly cut down your caffeine intake. That means very little coffee and tea."

"I understand," she replied and another tear ran down her cheek as the mention of tea evoked a memory.

"If this is happening to me, it happened to her too," she whispered.

"The Admiral?"

She nodded. "But she didn't say anything." She paused. "And neither did you. When you examined her, you didn't tell me she'd given birth."

"I didn't examine her reproductive organs that closely," the Doctor replied. "I was interested in her DNA and brain structure, not her womb. And we don't know what happened to her in her timeline, whether she chose to go ahead with the pregnancy."

"I wouldn't have aborted," Kathryn replied, "not even on Voyager." She paused. "It frightens me sometimes to think that in some future, some time, I became her. _A lot has happened to me since I was you_. That's what she said. But while she told me about Seven dying, about Chakotay's pain, about Tuvok's illness, she didn't tell me anything about what had happened to her." Another tear ran down her cheek. "She must have miscarried."

"Speculating like this does no good," the Doctor said gently. "It's just as possible she gave birth to a fine healthy child."

"Then why pick that moment of time to return to? It's tortured me. There were other opportunities. The slip stream incident for example. Why didn't she help us perfect that? There had to be more reasons why she chose then."

"There could have been a million reasons. The future she came from no longer exists. What matters is your future." He paused. "Now sit, Admiral, and let me get you that drink."

Kathryn forced a smile. "Thank you, Doctor."

She sat once again on the sofa. As the Doctor went over to the replicator, she picked up the tricorder he had left on the couch. She looked once more at the light indicating a life sign inside her and with trembling fingers touched it. It was a baby's life sign. Her baby's life sign. She was going to be a mother. While the circumstances weren't exactly what she'd pictured, she had always longed for a child of her own. Perhaps, just perhaps, this once destiny was being kind to her.

* * *

Kathryn watched Miral as she lay in her carry cot. It was so good having B'Elanna and Tom as neighbors. When they had returned to Earth, B'Elanna and Tom couldn't decide where to live so Kathryn had suggested Indiana. She said it was a beautiful part of the country and if they chose Bloomington, they could be neighbors. Miral was an alert child and seemed fascinated by the silver necklace Kathryn wore. Kathryn observed her more closely than she ever had before. It had only been two days since she had found out she was pregnant and she was still trying to absorb the news. Miral smiled at her and Kathryn smiled in return. As she did so, a strange fuzzy feeling captured her heart. In only a few months time she would be looking at her own baby like this. Thoughts like that helped belay her fears.

"Don't get too gooey eyed over her, Kathryn," B'Elanna said, emerging from the kitchen, "or I'll be putting you down on the baby sitting list."

"Actually," Kathryn said turning to her. "I would like to baby sit her."

B'Elanna sat in the chair opposite. "You would?"

"Yes. I'll need the practice."

B'Elanna picked up a cookie from a plateful on the table before her. "Your sister's expecting?"

"No," Kathryn said, tears welling in her eyes. "It's me. I'm pregnant."

B'Elanna looked up at her, stunned. "Pregnant?"

"That's right," she whispered.

B'Elanna could see that Kathryn was on the verge of tears and went to sit beside her. She took her friend's hands in hers.

"How are you pregnant? Did someone..."

"No," Kathryn replied. "No, it's Jaffen's."

"The man you got involved with on Quarren?"

Kathryn nodded. "Evidently we didn't use birth control. When we were back on Voyager, I just assumed we had or, if there was remaining sperm, the Doctor had sterilized me of it to prevent conception. But he obviously hadn't. He probably didn't have to time to do more than restore my memory. He had over a hundred people to take care of." She paused. "Apparently Norvalen sperm lives for weeks so the next time I ovulated, I conceived."

"I don't know what to say," B'Elanna said quietly. "How do you feel about it?"

"Shocked ... at least I was. I'm getting used to the idea. I feel scared and yet excited too. I've always wanted a baby." She paused. "I have an appointment with Dr Cara Shaw later this afternoon. She's a specialist on inter-species pregnancy and will probably be able to tell me how long the pregnancy will be."

"I'm sure she will. Although she might not be able to tell immediately. She'll probably have to monitor the growth of the baby and then she'll be able to guess how long it's likely to be until the child reaches full term."

Kathryn nodded and another tear ran down her cheek. "I keep thinking about Admiral Janeway. If I'm pregnant, she had to have been too. I keep wondering what happened to her, to the baby. I can't put aside the feeling that this was another reason why she did what she did."

B'Elanna squeezed her hands. "It seems to me she had a lot of reasons. And if this was one of them, then let's just thank her for it."

Kathryn nodded again.

B'Elanna drew slightly away from her now. "What are you going to do when the baby arrives?"

"I don't know. I haven't thought that far. I suppose I'll take maternity leave and afterwards get a nanny. My mother hasn't been too well lately and I couldn't ask her to look after a baby while I work."

"I know I'm no qualified nanny," B'Elanna said, "but you're welcome to leave the baby with me. Tom and I are going to try for another child soon so I'm not going to be going back to work for a few years."

"I couldn't put you to any trouble," Kathryn replied quietly.

"It wouldn't be a trouble, it would be a delight. And it would be good for Miral to have company."

Kathryn smiled softly. "Then that would be wonderful, B'Elanna. Thank you."

B'Elanna smiled warmly in return. She then hesitated a moment, pondering whether she should say what she was about to say. But she couldn't refrain from it.

"You know," she began hesitantly. "You don't have to do it alone."

"What do you mean?"

"Chakotay."

Kathryn tensed, gripped her hands tightly together, and then turned away from her.

"He loves you, Kathryn," B'Elanna continued. "And I know that you love him."

"It's too late," Kathryn said tearfully. "Any chance we had was over years ago."

"That's not true. All you have to do is be honest with each other about how you feel."

"There's no point. He's moved on a long time ago."

"If you mean Seven, that's over. It's you he loves, he told me."

Kathryn fidgeted with a button on her blouse. "Then why did he marry Seven in the Admiral's timeline?"

"I don't know. Perhaps they split up, got back together again some time later. All I know is that he loves you."

Kathryn was quiet a moment and then wiped away a tear. "And what am I supposed to say to him? 'I love you, Chakotay, but by the way I'm carrying another man's child?' It's too late, B'Elanna, too late."

"He wouldn't see it that way. It's not your fault what happened with Jaffen. You didn't even know who you were. He'd want to be here for you, support you."

Kathryn looked up at her. "It would be difficult to reach him even if I wanted too."

"But not impossible. If you write to him..."

"No, B'Elanna. Just leave it, please. We're not a part of each others lives anymore. We're not even friends. He's got a new life, doing something he's always wanted, and I have to make one for myself, for my baby."

B'Elanna bit her lip. There was so much more she wanted to say but she knew it wasn't her place. It was up to Kathryn and Chakotay what they did. She couldn't be responsible for their lives, even if she felt with her whole being what they were doing was wrong. She put her hand on Kathryn's shoulder. "I won't say another word."

"And you won't write to him, promise me."

B'Elanna hesitated, but then smiled reassuringly. "I promise."

Her word was enough for Kathryn and she smiled warmly in return.

"Come on," B'Elanna continued, "let me get us another drink. Then we can go into the garden for a while. It's a beautiful day."

Kathryn nodded. "I'd like that."

B'Elanna picked up two empty glasses from the table. "Apple juice again?"

"Please." Kathryn sighed. "But oh, what I wouldn't give for a coffee right now. I haven't had one all day."

B'Elanna laughed. "Hardship indeed."

"Believe it. I don't know how the Admiral ever gave it up. It can't have been because she was pregnant. I think the only way I'll get through the thought of labor is to think what a delight a pot of steaming coffee will be afterwards," she teased. "In the meantime, I'm going to have to make do with coffee ice cream, coffee cake and coffee cookies."

B'Elanna laughed again and then disappeared into the kitchen.

* * *

It was late, but Kathryn couldn't sleep. The appointment with Dr Shaw had gone well, but she was still left with more questions than she had answers. From the scans, the fetus didn't seem to be as developed as a human fetus would be at 17 weeks. Dr Shaw could only thus conclude that the pregnancy would be longer than nine months. From her estimation, the fetus was developing at between ten to twenty percent times slower than a human fetus. If this continued, the pregnancy could be anything from ten to twelve months. There was also a chance that once the child was born, he or she would develop at a slightly slower rate than human children. However, Dr Shaw did not believe it would be significant enough to prevent the child attending a conventional school. Quite the contrary. The baby's brain was developing quicker than a human baby's brain developed. It was just the physical body that was slower. Dr Shaw said that in some species this was quite common and the physical body would develop in the last stages of pregnancy and would develop again rapidly at puberty.

She said that human and Norvalen DNA were very compatible. She also said she didn't believe there would be any complications, but would like to see Kathryn every fortnight just to monitor her condition. She had asked if Kathryn wanted to know the gender, but she said she didn't. However, she was sure Dr Shaw had said "he" in a slip of the tongue, though. Her stomach had turned at that. A daughter she could raise confidently on her own, but she was less sure about a son. A boy needed a father to emulate, or at least a father figure, and there was no one. Her father was dead and she didn't have a brother. She also didn't know what she would do with a boy. She didn't have much experience with children and didn't have a clue what little boys liked to do. But if it was a boy, she would learn, and was sure Tom and her brother in law would be good role models for him.

Kathryn closed her eyes and tried to sleep, but thought chased thought in her mind and she couldn't stop thinking about Jaffen. She had loved him, truly loved him, while they were together on Quarren. It was only as her memory slowly returned that her feelings changed. She remembered enough of her love for Chakotay to know that her heart could never be completely Jaffen's. She had hurt Jaffen by turning cold, she knew. There was no reason for him not to stay with her on Voyager, no reason at all. The only reason had been that she didn't want him too. He had known that, suspected at least, because he had made no protest when she told him he could stay but there could be no relationship. He had probably seen enough of her real life to realize that he had fallen in love with a different woman. But the important thing was that they had loved each other and their child had been made with love. She remembered her words to Jaffen before he went back to Quarren. "I won't need souvenirs to remember you ." There was a strange irony to them now.

Souvenirs.

She didn't have a picture of him. She sat up, clutched the covers against her. She didn't have one picture she could give her child of his or her father. That thought mortified her. Not only would her child not know what his or her father looked like, he or she would not even know what a Norvalen looked like and why he or she bore certain physical characteristics.

Kathryn got out of bed, put on her dressing gown, and made her way into the living room. She remembered that before Neelix had left Voyager, he had given her a black box full of photographs. He said he had taken hundreds over the years and, as it would be impractical to take all of them with him, he had put aside some for her. She searched in a cupboard for the box now. Jaffen had spent a few hours on Voyager and it was possible, just possible, that Neelix had taken a photo of him. He always wanted to take pictures of visitors to the ship.

At last she found the box and she went to sit with it on her sofa. It was quite a large box. There had to be at least two or three hundred pictures. She had never looked at them before. Time was never her own on Voyager and now she was home, she had forgotten all about them. She put the box on her lap and took off the lid. The pictures were all piled on top of each other clumsily. She took out a handful and quickly began to sift through them. There were all kinds of pictures. There were pictures of the crew, of planets, of aliens, of anomalies, and starships. There were pictures of her with her hair long, with it short, with it tied up in a bun and tied back in a ponytail. Neelix had been more zealous with the camera than she had ever imagined as there were even pictures of her working or eating in the Mess Hall. There were pictures of Chakotay, of Tuvok, of Seven and lots of pictures of Kes.

She picked up another handful of pictures and went through them just as quickly. She continued doing this until there were very few pictures left in the box. Tears welled in Kathryn's eyes. She knew it had been a long shot, but she had hoped so much that there would be a picture of Jaffen. Just one. That was all she wanted. Just one. She picked up another handful and began to go through them. Her heart stopped when there, just after a picture of the warp core, was a picture of Jaffen. It showed only his top half, but was a good, clear, picture. Kathryn clutched the picture to her chest and a tear ran down her cheek.

"Thank you, Neelix," she whispered. "Thank you, thank you."

END OF CHAPTER 1


	2. Chapter Two

CHAPTER 2

**SEVEN MONTHS LATER**

The nursery was finally finished. Kathryn looked around and smiled happily at the sight before her. Everything was perfect, from the nursery rhyme characters Phoebe had so painstakingly painted on the wall, to the beautiful quilt her mother had made that adorned a white cot. It was a bright, happy, room, suitable for a boy or a girl.

"I say this deserves a coffee and a cake," Phoebe said, sharing her sister's pride in the room, "or rather a juice and a cake for you."

"Evil," Kathryn laughed. "Very evil."

She was just about to leave the room when she felt a sharp pain in her abdomen. She gasped and put her hand to her bump. Phoebe turned to her anxiously.

"What is it?"

"I felt something. I think it was a contraction."

"But the doctors said it would be at least another month."

"Yes, but they don't know exactly. They're only guessing." She felt another pain and gasped again. "Definitely a contraction."

Phoebe put her arm around her sister and guided her to the door. "Then we'd better get you to hospital."

* * *

It had been over five hours and still there was no sign of Janeway junior. Kathryn had chosen to give birth in a beach house simulation, with a beautiful view of sands and sea, and with soft classical music playing. She was very relaxed and handling it all so much better than Phoebe would have expected. Kathryn had wanted her mother to be present, but Gretchen had not been too well of late and on doctors orders was having to stay at home. It had turned out to be a hidden blessing as she was so anxious every time Kathryn spoke to her via the comm system, that Kathryn was glad she wasn't present.

Phoebe handed Kathryn a drink of water now and she took it gratefully. She was in a lot of discomfort, but she had a high threshold of pain, and was just wanting it to be over more than anything. She couldn't wait to hold her baby in her arms and welcome him or her into the world with a kiss. If she had a girl she had decided on calling her Martha, after her favorite  
aunt who had died just months before they returned to the Alpha Quadrant, and if she had a son, Edward, after her father.

Suddenly a terrible pain tore across her abdomen and she dropped her glass of water to the bed as she clutched her stomach, keeling in agony. It took only a few seconds for Phoebe to realize that something was seriously wrong and she hit the hospital commbadge resting on her breast.

"Assistance required urgently."

She then sat on the bed beside Kathryn and stroked her brow, telling her everything would be alright. Within seconds, two doctors entered the room and hurried over to the bed. They studied the data on surrounding machines and then hastily drew Phoebe away from her sister. The female doctor, who Phoebe recognized as Dr Cara Shaw, put a hypospray to Kathryn's neck and Phoebe watched as she instantly fell unconscious.

"What's wrong?" she cried, suddenly tearful with worry. "What's happening?"

The doctors ignored her and lay Kathryn flat on her back on the bed. Suddenly the machines began to bleep and everything was confusion. Then the male doctor turned to Phoebe, his voice anxious.

"We have to choose priority, the baby or the Admiral..."

Phoebe stared at him, her whole being screaming. "No ... No ... You have to save them both..."

"The baby or the Admiral," he shouted, his voice sharper this time, "quickly, or we'll lose them both..."

"The baby," Phoebe cried. "She would wish to save the baby..."

As soon as she had said those words, the doctors sprung into action. A young nurse whose presence Phoebe hadn't noticed began ushering her out of the room.

"No," Phoebe wept, "I want to be with her..."

"I'm sorry, but you have to wait outside..."

"But..."

"Your presence distracts the doctors, now please..."

In moments Phoebe was outside the room in a plain silver corridor that seemed to stretch for miles before her. She could hardly think, hardly breathe... The nurse was kinder now, comforting.

"Is there someone I can call?"

Phoebe nodded. "Barry ... my husband ...Tell him to come..."

* * *

Within minutes, Barry was at her side and Phoebe clung to him desperately, breaking her heart. This wasn't how things should have ended. Kathryn was so looking forward to having the baby and had everything prepared. It was so unfair. She would be a wonderful mother and she so deserved to be happy.

After half an hour, the male doctor emerged from the birthing room. Phoebe stood up as he approached her. He was pale, drawn, but a soft smile graced his lips.

"They both made it."

It took a moment for the words to register, and then Phoebe laughed through tears and embraced her husband once more. They held each other tight for a long moment and then she turned again to the doctor.

"What did she have?"

"A boy," the doctor smiled again.

A boy. Kathryn had a son and she had a nephew. The joy was almost overbearing.

"And they're both alright?"

The doctor nodded. "They're both going to be fine. He's a very small baby, very weak, and his lungs haven't fully developed yet so we're going to have to keep him in an intensive care incubator until he can survive on his own." He paused. "Your sister suffered a severe uterine rupture and had to have a major operation as well as a caesarian, so is going to be very weak and sore for a while."

Phoebe wiped away a tear. "May I see the baby?"

The doctor smiled. "Of course."

* * *

Phoebe gazed at the tiny creature lying in an incubator next to Kathryn's bed. He had fluffy hair, a far more distinctive shade of red than his mother, and apart from a small ridge on both sides of his forehead and his chin, he looked completely human. He was so tiny and yet so perfect. Even the tiny nails on his tiny fingers were perfect. She wiped away her tears and then turned to look at Kathryn. She was attached to a lot of wires and blood was slowly dripping into her body.

"When can she wake up?"

"Anytime," the doctor replied, "but she would be in a lot of pain. It's better if we keep her sedated."

"Could you wake her up just for a moment? She would like to see her baby, I know she would."

"Alright," the doctor replied.

He went over to the bed and put a hypospray to her neck. Moments later Kathryn's eyes fluttered open.

"My baby..." she whispered.

Phoebe reached for her hand and squeezed it. "You have a son, Kathryn. A perfect, beautiful, son."

Kathryn smiled softly and Phoebe saw tears well under her eyelids.

"And he's here, right beside you."

Kathryn turned to look and forced her eyes open. Another smile graced her lips when she made out, through a thick fog before her eyes, a tiny figure in the incubator. "I see him..."

"He has the Janeway hair," Phoebe said, " The Janeway ears too."

Kathryn smiled again and closed her eyes. "I want to hold him."

Phoebe squeezed her hand. "When you're stronger, Kathryn. Right now you need to rest."

She gestured to the doctor to put her back to sleep and in moments Kathryn was unconscious again.

* * *

All was still fog as Kathryn woke the following morning. Slowly it began to clear and she saw Dr Cara Shaw in a chair beside the bed.

"Good morning, Kathryn," she smiled.

Kathryn smiled before turning instinctively to where her baby lay. She gazed at him in the incubator and, for the first time, noticed that he was attached to a lot of wires which, in turn, were attached to a lot of machines, and that he was completely surrounded by glass. Anxiety began to consume her.

"Why the wires ... the glass...?"

"Don't be alarmed," Dr Shaw said reassuringly. "He's a very small baby. In human terms he's the equivalent of two months premature. The incubator simulates the environment of the womb which will keep him warm and protected and the sounds it generates will comfort him aswell. His lungs aren't fully developed yet so he needs a little help to breathe. But he's in no danger."

Kathryn felt a wave of relief at that and was suddenly tearful. She reached out and lay her hand on the glass. It was incredible the feelings racing around inside her. She thought she had known love before, but no feeling had ever compared to the feeling she felt for this helpess little creature. It was beautiful and yet frightening all at once.

"When will I be able to hold him?"

"In about five or six weeks time. His skin is very delicate and needs to be touched as little as possible. He's being fed intravenously and all his other physical needs are being taken care of by technology."

A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek and she wiped it away. "What happened? What went wrong?"

"You suffered a severe uterine rupture during labor," the doctor said calmly. "It's a very rare occurrence and when it does happen, we usually perform a fetal transportation. But in this case your son was too small to survive the transition. That left us with caesarian as the only option if we wanted to save the baby. That option meant high risk to yourself, but your sister told us you would wish to save the baby first." She paused. "It was a close call. We lost you for several minutes."

A cold shiver engulfed Kathryn and she fought to suppress a growing fear inside her as she thought about another baby in another time...

"Uterine rupture usually only occurs if a woman has had a caesarian in the past or has had some form of uterine intrusive surgery. As this was your first pregnancy.." she smiled.. "as a human... there was no reason to anticipate this. However, I have studied your medical history in great detail and it appears that you suffered severe abdominal and pelvic injuries during a space battle fourteen years ago. As you were treated on the ship by a nurse rather than a doctor, your injuries are not recorded in as much detail as they should have been and probably not treated as competently as they could have been. You should have been told that because of your injuries, you should never have attempted natural labor. The information  
should have been recorded on your medical file."

"It was chaos," Kathryn replied, turning away from the incubator to the doctor. "I don't think I was even treated by a nurse. I think it was a crew member. We had dozens injured, including the medical staff, and everyone had to help each other." She paused. "Were you able to repair my uterus?"

"Yes," Dr Shaw replied. "But there was some severe damage to your reproductive organs. You will never be able to have another child." She paused. "I'm sorry."

"Well," Kathyn said with a soft smile, "it wasn't as if I was planning on a brood." She turned to her baby once again and another tear ran down her cheek. "I never thought it would happen to me ... never thought I would have a child. And yet I wanted one ... all these years. Mark never did and while I was on Voyager..." She reached out and touched the glass again. "I'm so thankful for this one miracle ... So very thankful." She studied his face, his fingers, his tiny little legs with tiny little toes. "He's beautiful, isn't he?"

Dr Shaw nodded. "Very beautiful."

"And so perfect." She caressed the glass. "Edward," she said, "that's what I was going to call him. Edward Alexander Janeway. But he seems too small to be an Edward or an Alexander, doesn't he?"

The doctor smiled. "You'll be surprised how quickly he'll grow, even for a Norvalen."

"But I could call him Alex," Kathryn continued. "It's small and beautiful, just like him." She smiled through tears as she gazed at her baby and then kissed her fingers and lay them on the glass. "Welcome to the world little Alex," she whispered. "I'm your Mom and we're going to do great things together."

END OF CHAPTER 2


	3. Chapter Three

CHAPTER 3

It was Miral's first birthday and it was the first anniversary of Voyager's return to the Alpha Quadrant. It was a day special enough to make Chakotay return to Earth from Planet Kerasom. For the past eight months he had been a consultant on an archaeological excavation there. It was a very different life to the one he had lived on Voyager. In many ways it was an easier life. There were no life or death decisions to be made and all he had to worry about was whether landslides or torrential rain would delay excavations. Kerasom was a wet planet with an unstable surface. History and science said that was why life had eventually become extinct there. Chakotay had no idea what was planned to celebrate the anniversary of Voyager's return, if anything, as he hadn't been in contact with anyone since he had left Earth. The first few months after returning to the Alpha Quadrant had been difficult for him. He and Seven had gone their separate ways and he couldn't find a place on Earth where he really belonged. It was the story of his life. Once he and the other Maquis had been exonerated, he had tried to go back to his native planet, tried to resume life there, but there was too little to do that stimulated his mind. There were also too many memories, too many ghosts. When the offer of a place on the Kerasom expedition came, he accepted it. For the most part he had enjoyed the challenge. But he still felt incomplete. He longed for something more. He longed for Kathryn Janeway. He missed her smile, missed her laughter, missed the sound of her raspy voice. He missed everything about her. He had been a fool to think anyone could ever take the place of her in his heart. He had loved her for seven years and he loved her still. But it was too late for them, it always had been. Now it seemed they couldn't even be friends.

It was raining now as Chakotay approached Tom and B'Elanna's house. It was an old house, dating back to the twentieth century, and was secluded in the farm country of Indiana. Chakotay walked up the stone path towards the front door and was glad of the canopy above it to shelter himself from the rain. He rang the door bell and waited to see if someone would answer. He couldn't tell from the exterior whether anyone was in or not. If no one was in, he would put Miral's birthday card through the old style letter box and write on the back of the envelope that he would be back with a present later. However, that effort wasn't necessary. Moments later the door opened and he stood face to face with B'Elanna who held little Miral in her arms.

"Chakotay," she smiled. "This is a surprise. Come in."

Chakotay stepped inside. The warm air was comforting. "I've just come to wish this little one a happy birthday," he smiled. "I won't stay long."

"You're not getting away that easily, big guy," B'Elanna replied. "We haven't talked for months. I've a lot to tell you." She began to walk towards an open door. "Come on, let's go through to the living room."

Chakotay followed her through into the living room and pulled off his black bag from his shoulder. He pulled out a little box wrapped in gold paper and a card. Once they were in the living room and B'Elanna had put Miral down on the floor, he handed them to B'Elanna. She took them with a smile and a thank you and told him to take a seat. He sat down on a very comfortable looking brown sofa.

"Would you like something to eat or drink?"

"No, thank you," Chakotay replied. "I'll get a meal at the hotel when I get back."

"You're staying in a hotel?"

"The Thistle."

"But that's ridiculous. We've plenty of room here."

"I couldn't impose."

"It would hardly be an imposition."

"Really, I'm..."

"No excuses, Chakotay. You're staying here."

Tears welled in Chakotay's eyes at the kindness. "Thank you."

Miral pulled at Chakotay's trousers and B'Elanna lifted the child on to her knee. "You must forgive her bad habits," she smiled. "Blame Tom."

Chakotay laughed. "How is he these days?"

"As crazy as ever. He's working on his second Captain Proton holonovel. He's worse than a kid with it." She paused and approached the next subject hesitantly. "As much as I appreciate it, you haven't come here just to wish Miral a happy birthday, have you?"

"No," he replied honestly. "It's the first anniversary of our return to the Alpha Quadrant and I thought there may be something special arranged."

"I think there would have been in normal circumstances, but without Kathryn there, it wouldn't have been much of a party."

Chakotay's stomach began to somersault. "What do you mean without Kathryn?"

"There's been a lot happening in her life," B'Elanna began. "There's no way she would be well enough to attend a party."

Then at least she was alive. For a moment, a terrible moment... He took a deep breath, calming himself. "What's wrong with her?"

B'Elanna hesitated again and was as gentle as she could be with the words. "Five months after we got back, she found out she was pregnant with Jaffen's child."

Chakotay's eyes widened and it was a moment before he spoke. "Pregnant?"

B'Elanna nodded. "She gave birth to a son last week."

Chakotay ran his hand through his hair and tried to absorb this. Kathryn pregnant? Kathryn with a son? It couldn't be true. Either he was dreaming or had somehow walked into an alternate reality.

"There were some serious complications and it was touch and go for a while whether Kathryn would make it. Apparently she was physically dead for some minutes."

Blood drained out of Chakotay's face. "But she's going to be alright?"

B'Elanna smiled reassuringly. "She's going to be fine. She's still in hospital but the doctors say she should be able to go home next week."

Chakotay averted his eyes and fought back the tears. He couldn't believe all this had been happening to Kathryn and he had known nothing about it. He should have been there for her.

"The baby's going to be fine too," B'Elanna added.

"I'll have to go and see her," Chakotay said after a moment.

"She would like that. She's really missed you."

"And I've missed her," he whispered. More than she could ever know.

* * *

Kathryn watched the EMH gaze absently out of the window of her private room. Something was troubling him and she had a good idea what it was.

"You're thinking what I've been thinking, aren't you?"

The Doctor turned slowly to her. "What do you mean?"

"You're thinking about what happened in the Admiral's timeline. You're thinking what would have happened if we were still on Voyager. You're wondering whether it would have been the same."

He turned back to the window. "It would have been the same," he replied. "It would have been the same choice. You or the baby. It took two doctors to save you both. On Voyager there would only have been me. I would have had to make the choice, you or the baby." He paused. "And for the sake of the crew, I would have saved you."

Tears welled in Kathryn's eyes and she turned to her precious baby lying so helplessly in his incubator. _I'd have to tell you more than you'd want to know._ She couldn't imagine the pain the Admiral had suffered. Voyager had cost her so much, even the life of her child. She finally understood why she had chosen that moment of time to return too. Modifying the slip stream technology would perhaps depend on too many variables. The Borg transwarp hub was their only real chance of making it home. By choosing that particular moment, she would get her beloved crew home and save the life of her baby aswell.

She turned away from the incubator and looked once more at the Doctor.

"As you said, Doctor. We can only speculate about the Admiral's timeline. She gave her life so that all the terrible things that happened in her timeline never would. She wouldn't want that terrible future to influence ours. And I can say that with all certainty because she was me."

The Doctor turned to her slowly and there was tears in his holographic eyes.

"I couldn't have got through the past few months without you, Doctor. Don't punish yourself about what could have been. Take pride in what has."

* * *

Afternoon visiting hours were almost over when Chakotay arrived at the hospital. He wasn't sure he would still be allowed to see Kathryn, but a kind nurse showed him the way to her room. He carried a large bouquet of flowers in one arm and a soft white teddy bear in the other. At last they came to Kathryn's room and the nurse opened the door for him to go in.

Inside, Kathryn was almost asleep. She still very weak and was always exhausted after visiting hours. So many people had come to see her over the past week. Almost every single member of Voyager's crew, including Tuvok and his wife who had made the journey from Vulcan especially. For some reason he was greatly perplexed by the turn of events, finding it "curious" and "baffling" how Jaffen could have fathered a child. Kathryn felt herself drift asleep in the quiet and stillness of the room and was almost carried away when she heard someone come in. Her senses were alert again and she opened her eyes, looking to see who it was. Tears welled in her eyes when she saw it was Chakotay. He walked over to her and there were tears in his eyes too.

"It's good to see you, Kathryn."

Kathryn nodded and sat up a little. "You too."

There was a moment of awkwardness but Chakotay broke it with a smile. "But I have to confess, a maternity ward wasn't quite the place I was expecting to catch up with you."

"No," Kathryn replied, managing a soft smile. "I don't suppose it was."

Chakotay stepped forward and handed her the flowers and the teddy bear. "Congratulations."

Kathryn took the gifts. "Thank you."

Her eyes held Chakotay's and she saw so much warmth in them, the warmth she had always seen in them. But there was an unmistakable pain in them too, a distinct sadness.

"How are you feeling?"

"Sore," Kathryn replied, "tired."

"B'Elanna says there were complications."

"Yes." She put the flowers and teddy bear down on the bed. "I suffered a uterine rupture during labor. The doctors say it's a miracle both the baby and I survived." She paused. "There was some internal damage. I won't be able to have any more children." She looked up at him and managed a soft smile. "But at my age, I'm fortunate to have had one. I'm not a spring chicken anymore."

Chakotay smiled in return and for a moment they lost themselves in each others eyes. Then Chakotay broke their gaze and turned in the direction of the incubator which was situated at the opposite side of the bed. There was a tiny creature lying inside. He was naked and attached to wires, but seemed to be sleeping peacefully.

"So," Chakotay said, "are you going to introduce me to Janeway junior?"

Kathryn turned to the incubator herself. "Of course. But you'll have to look at him through the glass. He's not strong enough to survive on his own or to be exposed to our air yet."

Chakotay walked over to the incubator and gazed at the baby inside. Tears welled in his eyes at his tiny perfection. "He's amazing, Kathryn, absolutely amazing."

Kathryn touched the glass and a tear ran down her cheek. "I can't believe he's mine. So many times since he was born, I've just lay here, looking at him."

The baby clenched and unclenched his fist and then spread out his tiny fingers.

"Have you decided on a name?"

Kathryn nodded. "Edward, after my father. Edward Alexander Janeway." She ran her fingers over the glass before breaking contact with it. "But it will be Alex for short. He seems too small to be an Edward or an Alexander yet."

Chakotay smiled. "Alex suits him perfectly."

Kathryn watched Chakotay gaze at the baby and fresh tears welled in her eyes. It had been so long since they had seen each other, too long, and she had missed him dreadfully. She had needed her best friend over the past few months more than she had ever needed him. But, like all the other men she had loved in her life, she thought he was gone from her life forever.

"Why didn't you write to me?" Her voice sounded humble, even to her own ears.

Chakotay turned his attention from the baby to her. His eyes were heavy and, when he spoke, his voice was sad too. "Why didn't you write to me?"

"I didn't know what to say," she answered quietly.

"Neither did I." He paused. "I didn't even know you were pregnant. I only found out today when I visited B'Elanna."

Kathryn looked away from his eyes, her own blinded by tears. "I'm sorry."

Chakotay sat before her on the bed. "No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I haven't been here for you. It must have been a shock, finding out you were pregnant."

"Yes it was," Kathryn replied, lying back against the pillows. "I didn't have a clue. The Admiral didn't say anything. I don't suppose she thought it was necessary." She paused, not wanting to think again of that future. "I didn't find out until four months into the pregnancy. It wasn't until then that I began to feel tired and to suffer from nausea. I thought it was just exhaustion, you know, that I was working too hard. It didn't help that the pregnancy was almost four trimesters instead of three so everything was much slower happening to me." She paused again. "I was scared at first. The doctors had no information on Jaffen's species and without that they didn't know what would happen, how long the pregnancy would be or what complications there could be. But I was happy too. I had always wanted a child of my own and by a miracle I was having one." Another tear ran down her cheek and she wiped it away. "I don't even know why I'm crying. Hormones, I guess."

"And you've been through a lot," Chakotay said kindly. "You need to work through your feelings."

She nodded and then picked up the bouquet of flowers from the bed and turned to put them on the table beside her. She gazed at them a moment. There were so many different flowers, so many different colors, and more tears welled in her eyes when she saw a peach rose. She touched the flower and remembered the one Chakotay had once given her. He had loved her so much then, so much it frightened her. But now it was the depth of her own feelings that frightened her and the knowledge that she had lost him.

"We should have taken more moonlight sails on Lake George," Chakotay said, the rose clearly evoking the same memory for him.

"Yes," Kathryn said, turning away from the flower.

"Maybe we can do the real thing," Chakotay continued, "take junior with us."

Kathryn forced a smile, but avoided his eyes. "That would be nice."

Chakotay watched her closely. She was hurting, he could see that, and knew part of it was his fault.

"I'm sorry I've hurt you, Kathryn," he said quietly.

"We've hurt each other," she replied. " I pushed you away so many times that it was only a matter of time before you found someone else." She paused. "But I did love you, very much. I want you to know that."

Chakotay reached for her hand and held it in his. "I loved you too." His voice fell to barely a whisper. "I still love you. I always will."

Kathryn looked up at him and looked deep into his eyes. "I still love you too."

Chakotay brushed his fingers against her cheek and a tear ran down his own. For so long he had dreamt of hearing her say those words, but thought it was only in a dream that he ever would.

"I wanted him to be your baby, Chakotay," Kathryn continued. "You don't know how much I wanted that."

"He can be my baby," Chakotay whispered. "He can be our baby. Our son." He paused and then looked deep into her eyes. "Let's waste no more time. Marry me, Kathryn. Marry me and let us be a true family."

Kathryn smiled through tears and squeezed his hand tight. "On one condition."

"What's that?"

"You teach junior to cook"

Chakotay smiled. "You have a deal."

Gently he began to stroke her brow. She looked exhausted and was obviously fighting sleep. A gentle touch would soothe her, make her give in to the battle. She closed her eyes, succumbing to the lullaby of his fingers.

"The sea," she whispered. "I always wanted to marry by the sea."

"Then we will," he replied softly.

He continued to stroke her brow and in moments Kathryn was fast asleep. Chakotay gently removed his hand from beneath hers and lowered hers to the bed with a kiss. He gazed at her for a while, memorizing every feature of her face, every freckle. Her face was pale and her hair was damp, but he thought she had never looked more beautiful. He kissed her forehead gently and then turned towards the incubator. He picked up the teddy bear that was still on the bed and put it on the shelf above the incubator. He then looked down at Alex and marveled once again at his perfection. He touched the glass close to the baby's tiny hand and smiled tearfully, his heart already overflowing with love for the child.

"I'm going to be your Dad," he whispered. "And I promise that I will love you and take care of you always."

Alex slowly stretched out his hand towards the glass, almost as though he understood.

* * *

Gentle waves kissed a golden shore and a golden sun shone down from blue heavens. Kathryn held Chakotay's hands tight in hers as they made sacred vows to each other in the company of close family and friends. She was dressed in a simple, but elegant, white gown, and around her neck wore a chain of gold that her father had given her for her sixteenth birthday. Chakotay was a stark contrast in a suit of charcoal, but their colors blended, complimented each other, just like their personalities. Naomi stood behind them in a gown of peach satin and proudly held the bride's bouquet. Kathryn had no doubts, no fears, and knew that Chakotay felt the same way. There was so much love in his eyes that she was almost drowning in it. She could hardly believe that only three weeks ago she had thought Chakotay was lost to her forever. It all seemed like a dream, a beautiful dream. She had a miracle son who was thriving and would soon be well enough to leave hospital and she was marrying a man she had loved so much for so long. If it was a dream, she didn't want to wake up. At last they were pronounced husband and wife and they sealed their union with a tender kiss. Now they truly belonged to each other, always, forever...

END OF CHAPTER 3


	4. Chapter Four

**CHAPTER 4**

**EIGHT YEARS LATER**

Kathryn stirred awake. She felt a weight against her body as she tried to move and opened her eyes. She found Alex sleeping soundly beside her. He had nestled as close to her as he could and his little arm was wrapped around her. He was a small, slight, boy, smaller than most boys his age as his body matured more slowly. But he was a bright child. Very observant and analytical. Kathryn kissed his mop of curly red hair and stroked his back. She was worried about him. This was the third morning in a row now she had woken to find him beside her. He was quieter than usual too, keeping very much to himself.

"Alex, honey, time to wake up," she said firmly, but gently. "Wake up, honey."

Alex stirred and sat up, rubbing his eyes. "What time is it?"

Kathryn kissed his cheek. "Time for breakfast."

Alex put his hand to his stomach. "I don't want any."

"You can't go to school on an empty stomach."

He looked up at her with sad gray eyes. "I don't feel well, Mommy. Can I stay home today?"

"What's the matter, sweetheart?"

"I have a tummy ache."

Kathryn put her hand to his brow. "You don't have a temperature."

"My tummy hurts real bad, Mommy. Real bad."

The bedroom door opened and Chakotay came in. He carried two glasses of apple juice.

"Good morning, sleepy heads."

He put the drinks down on the bedside table. "I'm making us some pancakes."

"I don't want any," Alex said. "My tummy hurts."

Kathryn pulled back the bedcovers. "Show me where it hurts."

He put his hand on his stomach.

Chakotay sat on the edge of the bed. "Do you feel sick?"

"Yes," Alex replied. "Very sick."

Kathryn and Chakotay shared a concerned glance.

"Does your head hurt?"

"Yes," he replied. "All over."

"I'll call the Doctor," Chakotay said, already getting off the bed.

"No!" Alex shouted. "It's not that bad, Daddy. It's bad, but not doctor bad."

Chakotay took a deep breath and turned again to Kathryn. They both knew their son well enough to know he was trying to get out of something. That something had to be school. He sat down again. "Are you really sick, Alex, or is there something happening today at school that makes you want to be sick?"

He lowered his eyes and began to play with the bedcovers uncomfortably. "I'm really sick."

Kathryn stroked his brow. "Tell us the truth, honey. If you're sick, we'll call the Doctor to make you better. If there's something else troubling you, we'll help put it right."

No answer.

Chakotay tried again. "Are you sick, son?"

Alex looked up at Chakotay and tears streaked his face now. "I'm not your son," he cried, his face reddening with painful anger. "You're not my father! You're no one's father!"

Painful silence filled the room as the words hung in the air. Alex scrambled off the bed and hurried towards the door.

"Alex," Kathryn cried as she found her voice. "Come back here..."

But he was gone.

Kathryn turned to Chakotay. He was staring at the bedcovers, tears in his eyes. A tear ran down her cheek. She knew how much Chakotay loved Alex. And he was his father in every way that mattered. No father could love a son more. And Alex loved Chakotay. Of that she was certain. She had told him all about Jaffen as soon as he was old enough to understand, but he had never really been interested. As far as he was concerned, Chakotay was his father. He idolized Chakotay and would try and join in everything he did.

"He didn't mean it," she said softly. "My suspicion is he is that he wants you to be his natural father so much that he is angry because you're not." She put her hand on his shoulder. "You're an incredible father to him and he loves you very much. Never doubt that."

Chakotay turned to her slowly. "And I love him." A tear ran down his cheek. "I don't want to lose him."

Kathryn drew him close. "You never will, Chakotay. Never."

* * *

Kathryn approached her son's bedroom. She tried to open the door, but he had locked it. She could easily override the lockout, but she wanted him to let her in of his own free will.

"Alex, sweetheart, open the door."

Silence.

"Please, honey. I just want to talk to you."

She heard footsteps scamper across the bedroom floor, the lock disengage, and then footsteps scamper back across the floor. When all was silent, she entered.

Alex had buried himself under the covers of his bed. Kathryn went over to him and sat on the bed. She then pulled back the covers. Alex was lying on the bed, his face wet with tears.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I'm sorry for what I said."

Kathryn reached out and stroked his hair. "Trying not to say hurtful things in the first place is much better than saying sorry afterwards," she said gently. "But sometimes we say hurtful things because someone or something is hurting us. Is someone being nasty to you, sweetheart? Someone at school, perhaps?"

A tear ran down his cheek. "I don't want to be me."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a freak."

"Oh Alex, honey, that's not true. That's so not true. Who said you are?"

"James."

"James Horlton?"

He nodded.

"Why in the world would he say something like that?"

"Because he said there's no one else in the universe like me, no one of the same mixed species. He said that makes me a freak."

Kathryn opened her arms to him. "Come here, sweetheart."

Alex climbed into her arms and Kathryn held him close. "It doesn't make you a freak, Alex. It makes you unique. And every one is unique. Every human, every Klingon, every Vulcan, even identical twins. There is only one of all of us. You're a precious, special, little boy, and you are loved very much."

"But you would love me more if I was human," he wept. "You would love me more if I was Daddy's son. He would love me more."

"No, darling," Kathryn said tearfully. "I could never love you more and neither could Daddy. We love you more than anything. Humans are only one species. The universe is filled with thousands and thousands of wonderful species. You should be just as proud of being Norvalen as human."

"I don't want to be Norvalen. I want to be human. I want to be Daddy's real son."

"You are his son in every way that matters. No father could love a son more than Daddy loves you."

"Only because he loves you. If he leaves you, he won't love me any more."

Kathryn stroked Alex's hair and felt a knot of anger deep within. Someone had been putting ideas in his little head. He would never think of these things himself and had never before been ashamed of his heritage.

"Who told you that, sweetheart?"

"James."

"What else does he say?"

"Lots of things."

"Like what?"

"That I'm no good to anyone. He makes fun of me for being so small. The others do too."

"The others?"

"His friends. They get me in trouble at school. They told the teacher I was cheating on my math assignment just because I had all the answers right. I wasn't. I just knew them. James said no one so small could be so smart." Another tear ran down his cheek. "I don't like that school, Mommy. I want to go to Woodville. Miral likes it. She says there are lots of races there. She says no one gets made fun of."

Kathryn kissed Alex's hair. "Alright, sweetheart. I'll arrange for you to go there. You don't have to go to Penshurste anymore."

Alex drew away from her, a light shining in his eyes. "Really?"

Kathryn nodded. "I promise." She brushed his hair away from his face. "You must forget all that James and his friends have told you. There is no truth to any of it. Daddy and I love each other very much and we have no intention of leaving each other. But if we ever did, it wouldn't change how Daddy feels about you. He loves you more than anything and will always be your Dad no matter what. He's taken care of you for over eight years. He bathed you, clothed you, fed you as a baby. He's taken care of you when you've been sick and when you've fallen over. He's put you to bed, told you stories, and taken you on vacations, just the two of you. He's told you secrets about his tribe that an Indian man only tells his first born. You are his son, Alex, and you always will be." She kissed his forehead. "Now, go and wash your face and then come down stairs for some breakfast."

Alex smiled. "Yes, Mommy."

He climbed off the bed and Kathryn watched him go towards the door that led from his bedroom to the bathroom. Just as he reached it, he turned around. "Mommy?"

"Yes, honey?"

"If it's easier for you than changing schools, I'll just have corrective surgery."

Kathryn almost choked on the words. "Corrective surgery?"

"To make me look human. James said it isn't hard."

Kathryn had to bite her lip hard to stifle her rage. She then held out her hand to Alex. "Come here, sweetheart."

Alex went over to her and Kathryn lay her hands on his thin shoulders. "Now you listen to me and you listen good. There is nothing wrong with the way you look, nothing at all. You're a very handsome young man and have the sweetest dimples when you smile." She playfully squeezed his cheek. "I wouldn't change anything about you, understand? I love you just the way you are. Just the way you are."

Alex smiled through tears. "I love you too, Mommy."

Kathryn drew him close and they held each other tight.

* * *

Kathryn entered the kitchen. Chakotay had cooked a pile of pancakes and was putting them in the oven to keep them warm. He turned around when Kathryn entered.

"Did he tell you anything?"

Kathryn nodded. Her face was pale and there were tears in her eyes. "He's being teased at school for being half Norvalen." She paused angrily. "Why Chakotay? Why do children have to be so cruel?"

"I don't know," he said sadly. "Perhaps we should put him in another school. Penshurste is eighty percent human. Perhaps if we put him in a more cosmopolitan school..."

"That's what he wants. He wants to go to Woodville. I told him we'd arrange it." A tear escaped her eye. "I should never have sent him to Penshurste. I just didn't have too great a time of it at Woodville and didn't want him to suffer the way I did."

Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder. "We did what we thought was best." He paused. "I'll go and see the principal this afternoon. The last lecture I'm giving is at noon so I'll be free for the rest of the day."

Kathryn smiled softly. "Thank you." She then drew Chakotay close and they held each other tight. They drew apart when the door opened and Alex came in. He stood in the doorway and gazed up at Chakotay with sorrowful gray eyes.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I'm sorry for what I said.

Chakotay smiled softly. "It's alright, Alex." He opened his arms to him and Alex hurried into them. Chakotay lifted him up and Alex held him tight around the neck.

"I didn't mean it. I love you, Daddy."

"I know you do. And I love you too, very, very, much."

Alex held him tighter and his tears fell onto Chakotay's sweater. "I just wish you and Mommy had made me and not Mommy and Jaffen."

Chakotay glanced at Kathryn and saw tears well in her eyes. She turned away from them and walked over to the window.

"I understand," Chakotay whispered. "But then you wouldn't be you."

"You and Mommy would have made me instead," he said quietly.

"It doesn't always work that way. It gets harder for a woman to have a baby as she gets older. If Mommy and Jaffen hadn't made you, there would be no Alex." He kissed his mop of red hair and then drew the child away from him. "And we couldn't have that, could we?"

Alex shook his head with a smile. Then he fell serious again. "Are you still going to take me to the mountains next weekend?"

"Of course I am," Chakotay smiled. "Wild horses couldn't stop me." Tears welled in his eyes as he gazed at the precious child in his arms. "Never be ashamed of who you are, Alex, and never let anyone make you feel ashamed. It doesn't matter what race we are, what species. All that matters is what we are in our heart. Understand?"

Alex nodded.

Chakotay squeezed him gently and then lowered him to the floor.

"Now, sit at the table and we'll all have some breakfast."

Alex made his way to the table and Chakotay turned to Kathryn. She was still looking out of the window. He went over to her and caressed her arm softly. "Joining us for breakfast?"

Kathryn turned to him, nodded, and wiped away her tears.

Chakotay kissed her forehead softly, holding the kiss a long moment.

Alex watched his mother make her way over to the table as his father went to the oven to get out the pancakes.

"Mommy?"

"Yes, honey?"

"Did you mean what you said about me not having to go to Penshurste anymore?"

Kathryn fixed her eyes on his and smiled kindly. "Don't I always mean what I say?"

He nodded.

"Daddy's going to go and see the principal at Woodville this afternoon and hopefully you can start there next week."

"Where will I go today?"

"To Grandma's of course." She smiled. "Perhaps if we ask her kindly she'll make you some gingerbread men."

"With chocolate boots?"

"With chocolate boots."

Chakotay brought the pancakes to the table. "How many would you like, Alex?"

"Two," he replied.

"Just two? I've made banana topping."

"Alright, three," Alex smiled.

"That's more like it." Chakotay put three pancakes on his plate and then handed him the jug of topping. Alex carefully poured it over the pancakes and Chakotay split the remaining pancakes between himself and Kathryn. Kathryn watched Alex carefully. She knew that she and Chakotay sometimes indulged him far too much, but he was a miracle in their lives. She wished she could wrap him up in cotton wool and spare him from ever knowing pain or suffering, but that was impossible. All she could do was be there for him when life wasn't so kind and it wasn't being too kind now. He needed to feel special, needed to be reassured just how much he was loved. Alex put down the jug now and looked up at his mother with a brightness in his eyes that she always wanted to see there. Chakotay finished administering the pancakes and then sat down. He too studied Alex.

"I have a day off tomorrow. What would you say, Alex, to you and I going to Treasure Island Fun Park?"

Alex beamed a smile. "Yes, please, Daddy, yes please, please."

Kathryn stifled a laugh. The last time Chakotay had taken Alex there it had taken him a week to recover. Bless him for the thought, but she couldn't let him venture there alone again.

"I'm sure I can take a day off tomorrow," she said. "How about I come too?"

The happiness on Alex's face was overflowing now. "Yes, Mommy, yes, yes. We can go on the Dangers of the Deep ride. Miral's been on it and she says you really go under water and there's monsters and caves and sharks and you get swallowed by a whale like Pinocchio did and get swirled around in his stomach."

"Sounds ... charming," Kathryn said, casting a "not so sure" look at Chakotay. There was a glint in his eye and she knew that he was just as amused at the thought of her partaking in this venture as she was of him.

"There's also the Tower of Terrors, The Forest of Fire, The Dungeon of Doom, and we'll have to go on the Sinking Pirate Ship."

Kathryn took a deep breath, not even wanting to think about what these adventures might entail. "You think of all the things you would like to do, sweetheart, and then we'll do as many as we can." She then turned again to Chakotay. "I could do with a coffee."

He smiled. "I thought you were trying to give up."

"I know," she replied. "But right now I need my fix."

Chakotay laughed. Kathryn went over to the replicator and said the words he had so often heard her say in the past.

"Coffee, black."

END OF CHAPTER 4


	5. Chapter Five

**TEN YEARS LATER**

CHAPTER 5

"Coffee, black."

Kathryn picked up a steaming pot of hot coffee that her replicator had just made for her. It was her first that morning and she was looking forward to it. She never had been able to give up the substance, although to keep Chakotay and the Doctor happy she had promised to drink no more than three cups a day. So far she had kept that promise. She went over to her large Starfleet desk, sat in her chair, and took a long, satisfying, sip of coffee. She then leant back against her chair and gazed at the picture of her, Chakotay, and Alex adorning her desk. It had been taken ten years ago when they had visited Treasure Island Fun Park. Some one had seen Chakotay taking a photo of her and Alex and had asked if they would like a photo of them all together. It was strange. She had lots of photos of herself with Alex, of Chakotay with Alex, but very few photos of the three of them together. Alex was a young man of eighteen now and a first year cadet at Starfleet Academy. Just as Dr Shaw had predicted, he had grown rapidly in adolescence and was taller even than Chakotay now. She had always encouraged him to pursue his own interests and to do for a career what he wanted to do, but he was as passionate about space and science as she always had been. He was a gifted scientist too and had everything it would take to move swiftly up the ranks of Starfleet. She was proud of him, very proud, but a part of her was anxious about his choice too. Starfleet was a dangerous profession and every day the dark figure of Death lurked in the shadows. A part of her wished he had chosen to be an artist or a musician, anything "safe". He told her that he had no desire to serve on starships and wanted to teach at the Academy or work at Starfleet Headquarters, but she knew the pull of space only too well. It had taken something as drastic as being stranded in the Delta Quadrant for seven years to satisfy her hunger for exploration. But perhaps the pull of Earth was stronger for Alex. He and Miral had been good friends all of their lives and now they were lovers too. She knew that part of his desire to stay on Earth was to be with her. She too was at Starfleet Academy, a year above him, and also wanted to serve on Earth rather than in space. Like all young lovers they just wanted to be together. She had seen many young lovers come and go through her years at Starfleet and had seen most relationships wither away after a while, but something told her that Alex and Miral would be different. They had years of friendship behind them, had helped each other through hard times, had laughed together in good ones, and they knew and understood each other completely.

Suddenly the door chime sounded. Kathryn took another sip of her coffee before bidding whoever was there to enter. She had hoped to have her coffee break uninterrupted, but that was a rare occurrence. The gray doors opened and Reg Barclay came in. He was obviously flustered and was struggling to get his words. Kathryn put down her coffee, sensing that something had happened.

"What's is it, Reg?"

He stuttered again for a moment, but then began to get his words. "Things..." He paused, struggled again. "Things didn't ... didn't go as planned today..."

Kathryn stood up and walked over to him. "What things?"

"In class. I ... I asked all cadets ... what subject ... Voyager subject they would like to ... to write a paper on ... James Horlton ... he ... he said ... on Quarren and whether ... and ... whether what happened to ... the brain ... washing ... whether you and ... and Jaffen ... whether it ...whether it... con ... constituted... rape."

Kathryn's stomach knotted in both anger and fear. She knew Alex was in that class.

"The others ... they said ... no ... for Alex ... But he ... James ... he was insistent ... Alex left ... can't find him ... I'm sorry..."

Kathryn put her hand on Reg's shoulder. "It's not your fault, Reg. James Horlton is a very troubled young man from a troubled home and has always been jealous of Alex. He used to bully him at school and even when we moved Alex to another school, he would still be nasty to him whenever the opportunity arose. I thought he would have outgrown it by this age, but evidently not."

Reg was calmer now and his words came easier. "I ... I've searched everywhere for Alex ... tried to locate him ... but he's not in the Academy."

"I'll find him," Kathryn said kindly. "You return to your students."

* * *

The familiar river sparkled in the sunlight as Kathryn approached it. Just as she had imagined, Alex was sitting on the same rock she had always sat upon when she wanted to be alone. He was gazing out at the water, lost in a world of his own. She slowly walked over to him.

"I just thought I would find you here."

Alex flinched a little at the sound of his mother's voice, but otherwise was still.

It tore at Kathryn's heart to see the tears on his cheeks. She put her hand on his shoulder.

"Reg told me what happened."

Only silence answered her.

She moved her hand to Alex's hair and ran her fingers through his curls just as she had when he was a little boy. It had been difficult, telling him that she had been under mind-control when she was involved with Jaffen, but she had told him about their relationship in a way that made it sound romantic, and she had stressed over and over how much she had loved Jaffen. If she could, she would not have told him about the mind-control, but everything that happened in the Delta Quadrant was public knowledge and it would be terrible for him if he found out from someone else.

"James said those things because he wanted to hurt you," she continued. "But he's talking the same nonsense he always has."

Alex turned to her slowly and there was infinite pain in his eyes when he looked into hers.

"But you were under mind-control. If you had been in your own mind, you would never have..." He paused, fought the tears. "It's just the same as..." He could say no more and wept softly.

Kathryn sat on the rock and wrapped her arm around her son.

"You were made with love, darling," she said tearfully. "Never doubt that. Never ever doubt that. Yes I was under mind-control, but as I've told you before, I was still me. I just didn't remember anything about my past. No one made me do anything that I didn't want to do and Jaffen had no idea that my memory had been tampered with. We worked together at the plant and we fell in love. We set up home together and we were very happy. He loved me and would never have hurt me. He took care of me, even saved my life. He was a good, kind, man and he will always occupy a special place in my heart because he gave you to me. You should be proud of having him as your biological father, very proud."

Alex's tears ebbed but she could see that there was still doubt, uncertainty.

"But if you loved each other so much," he said quietly, "why didn't he stay with you on Voyager?" He looked into his mother's eyes. "Tell me the truth, Mom, please."

Kathryn brushed a curl away from his forehead. "I've told you the truth before, honey. Jaffen stayed on Quarren because it was impossible for us to be together. I had responsibilities, obligations, and I wasn't in a position to have a relationship with anyone, not even Chakotay, and it wouldn't have been fair to expect Jaffen to spend the rest of his life on a starship."

Alex looked away. He seemed to have accepted her words, and yet...

"Or was it because when your memory returned you knew you loved Dad?"

Kathryn knew he meant Chakotay. Chakotay was Dad to him and always would be. "That was part of it," she said honestly, "but that doesn't mean I didn't love Jaffen while I was on Quarren. I loved him very much and he loved me. I was just confused when I had my memory back. I loved him, I knew that, but I just..."

"You loved Dad more?"

Kathryn nodded. "I'm sorry."

Alex turned back to her and squeezed her hand. "Don't be sorry, Mom. You couldn't have known you would fall pregnant with me and even if you had known, I wouldn't have wanted you to stay with Jaffen just because of me."

A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek and she touched Alex's tear stained face. "I never planned to have a child with Jaffen, but I was happy when I found out I was having you, Alex, very happy. You were a miracle, the most wonderful surprise I have ever had in my life."

Alex smiled softly. "Really?"

She nodded sincerely. "I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love, and I can't imagine my life without you in it. I could never love anyone more than I love you and I could never love any man as much as I love Chakotay. I never thought I would say it, but I'm glad we got stranded in the Delta Quadrant, I'm so thankful that it brought both of you into my life." She paused. "I just wish sometimes that Quarren wasn't at the other side of the galaxy so that you would have a chance to meet Jaffen, get to know him."

"I've wondered about him," Alex admitted, "wondered what he's like, what he would think of me. But I don't love him..." He paused. "I know that might sound cold, but he's just a name, a face in a photograph..." He paused again. "You once told me that Chakotay was my father in every way that matters and that's how I feel ... that he's my father."

"As you should," Kathryn replied. "There's nothing cold about it. Chakotay is the one who has loved you and raised you. He is your father and always will be." She smiled and drew away from him, tugging at his hand as she stood up. "Come on. We both have an Academy to get back too and you a class on the Hive mind."

Alex smiled and got to his feet. "I mustn't be late for that. The teacher is a real dragon."

Kathryn laughed and poked his stomach. "That's a name you reserve for your mother-in-law, not your mother, thank you very much. And if you ever marry Miral... well, I've seen B'Elanna on bad days..."

Alex laughed too and Kathryn held out her arms to him. "Give me a hug."

Alex gladly obliged and they held each other tight in the still of the autumn woodland. Then, Kathryn hit her commbadge, requested transportation, and they dematerialized.

END OF CHAPTER 5


	6. Prologue

**PROLOGUE**

**2394**

Admiral Kathryn Janeway walked slowly through a golden woodland. She wore a brown duffle coat over black trousers and black gloves covered her hands. On her head she wore a brown woolen hat, hiding her graying auburn hair. A soft west wind blew, rustling the leaves in the trees and every now and then a golden leaf fluttered gently to the ground. In the distance, a silver river flowed through the land. The whisper of the water sounded the same as it had done over fifty years before. Tears welled in her eyes as she remembered the times she had walked down this path as a child. Her father had often brought her and Phoebe here on warm summer nights and they had sat by the river and listened as he told them stories from history about cowboys and Indians. As she grew older, she had come here whenever she wanted to be alone. It was her haven, her sanctuary, the place where she had only ever known happiness, safety, and love.

She reached the riverbank now and gazed out at the beautiful scene before her. It was just as she remembered it. She could hear the laughter of yesteryear echo on the wind. She saw a young Kathryn Janeway sit on a rock, her long auburn hair blowing in the soft summer breeze. A tear ran down her cheek when she thought of all the pain that young girl would have to go through to become the woman who walked in her footsteps now. There had been so many tragedies in her life, so many heartaches. She thought of all those she had loved and lost. She thought of Justin, of Mark, and she thought of Chakotay. While it was destiny who had taken Justin from her and destiny who had separated her and Mark, it was she who had pushed Chakotay away. Her tears fell steadily as she remembered that night so long ago when he had told her in a beautiful ancient legend that he loved her. She had held out her hand to him and for the longest time they had just gazed into each others eyes. Then she had gone over to him and had tearfully put her mouth to his. He had kissed her in return and gathered her close, holding her safe in his arms. They had made love that night, sweet and tender love, and had fallen asleep in each others arms.

She had loved him so much, but had panicked when the crew came back for them. She had still foolishly believed then that they would make it home within a year or two. Another tear ran down her cheek as she remembered the pain in his eyes when she told him she couldn't be his captain and his lover. She told him they had to forget what had happened, never mention it again. And he never had mentioned it. It was she who had mentioned it first. He had found her one night in a deserted midnight Mess Hall, crying painfully. He sat beside her and asked her what was wrong. She told him she was pregnant with Jaffen's child. He had taken her in his arms and rocked her gently, telling her everything would be alright. She had held tight to him and for the first time in years had allowed herself to be comforted. He told her they could go back to Quarren, find Jaffen. She had drawn away at that, told him she couldn't add another year to their journey and that she didn't want Jaffen. She had wept, told him how she had ruined everything, how happy they could have been, how much she loved him, how much she wanted him. He told her he loved her too, which was why things hadn't worked out with Seven. He told her there could never be anyone for him but her. They had wept together, held each other long, and had made plans for a future that never came.

Kathryn walked along the river bank and remembered the day that was supposed to have been the happiest of her life. Everything had gone so well. There were no complications with the pregnancy and the Doctor said they shouldn't expect any with the birth. Then everything had gone so terribly wrong. She could remember screaming from pain and then all she could remember was waking up sometime later in sickbay. Chakotay was beside her, his hand holding hers, and his eyes were wet with tears. She knew then, she knew her baby was dead. She had cried out in absolute agony and not even Chakotay's loving arms around her could comfort her. She had suffered so much loss in her life, tasted too often the bitterness of death, but nothing compared to the pain she felt when she held her dead baby in her arms. He was wrapped in a beautiful white blanket that Naomi and Sam had made especially for him and his eyes were closed as though he was sleeping. She had kissed his tiny fingers, kissed his cheek, kissed the ridges on his forehead and his chin, and had stroked his soft red hair. He was so perfect, more beautiful than she could ever have imagined. Edward, she had named him, after her father. Edward Alexander Janeway. She had held him a long time, not wanting to let him go. She never wanted to let him go.

No one had told her how her son had died or what exactly had gone wrong. They just told her he had died. But she knew there was more. She could see it in Chakotay's face, in the Doctor's, and knew them well enough to know they were hiding something from her. When she was left alone in sickbay, she accessed her medical records, and there she found the terrible truth. Her baby had died because the Doctor had saved her life instead. What was left of her world fell apart then. When she screamed at the Doctor that he should have saved her baby, that he should have put the life of a child before her own, Chakotay told her that it was he who had told him to save her life instead. Weeping he told her that they had only had seconds to decide and that he had been so terrified at the thought of losing her that he had instinctively chosen her. She remembered all the terrible things she had said to him, remembered the way she had so heartlessly shut him out of her life. He had been hurting too, hurting deeply, but she had been so blinded by her own pain that she couldn't see his and didn't want too. In some ways she knew it must have been harder for him. She had someone to blame but he had to bear the heavy burden of guilt. In a year he had aged ten years. They both had.

Eventually she had come to see that it wasn't his fault, but by then it was too late to heal the rift between them. He and Seven had once more found each other and several months later they married. She had wanted to tell him that she didn't blame him anymore, wanted to at least heal their friendship, but whenever she tried, the words just never came. Then, only a few months after he and Seven had married, another tragedy struck. Seven was fatally injured in a vain attempt to defuse a bomb to save the lives of hundreds of men, women and children, on a colony belonging to the Olaran. Seven's death, after everything that had happened, had broken Chakotay and he was never the same again. She knew she had never been the same either. She had Seven had drifted apart over the years and a part of her had always been jealous of the way Seven had taken her place in Chakotay's life. For years she had tortured herself over whether that jealousy had caused her to allow Seven to go on a mission that she would never have allowed anyone else to go on. The guilt took away the last glimmer of light within her soul and left it a dark void.

In the difficult years that followed, she and Chakotay had turned once more to each other, but only as friends. They could never be lovers again. The time for them had passed and Chakotay had mourned his wife until his own death. He had been unwell for years, but had battled on against ill health to be at her side as they continued to try and get their crew home. After 23 years in the Delta Quadrant, they finally found a wormhole that carried them across ten thousand light years and left them only weeks away from Earth. With the knowledge of that, Chakotay had finally given into his illness, and died a month before they reached Earth. She had sat with him a long time afterwards, just holding his hand in hers. As her tears fell softly, she had remembered their lives together, had remembered the joy, the pain, and the suffering. Too much suffering. He was such a good, kind, man and had deserved only happiness. Perhaps, if he had never loved her, he would have been happy. She knew so much of his suffering was her fault. If only she hadn't pushed him away all those years, if only she hadn't pushed him away when her baby had died, if only she had married him when he had asked her and not insisted that they take things slow, give the crew time to get used to her having a child first ... if only Seven hadn't been killed ...if only ... if only ... There were too many if only's.

All she knew was that she had to change the history of their lives. That thought had been festering for years, especially since she had learnt that what she and the crew had thought was a nebula containing wormholes was actually a nebula containing a Borg transwarp hub. If they could get passed the Borg somehow, they could use the hub to get home. It would only be a small violation of the temporal prime directive, just a small one, and it would save the lives of so many and prevent so much pain and suffering. And her child would have the chance to live. In the Alpha Quadrant, doctors would be able to save her life and her baby's, she was certain of it. She would find a way of changing history. Somehow she would find a way, no matter how long it took, or what she had to suffer to accomplish it.

Kathryn reached into her pocket and pulled out a gold box edged with silver. She and the crew had honored her son's all too short life with a special service, but she hadn't been able to bear the thought of putting his tiny body out into space all alone. Instead they had cremated him and she had kept his remains in this box. The gold gleamed in the autumn sun and she kissed the lid before opening it. Then, with silent flowing tears, she let the ashes fall into the wind. She closed her eyes and imagined the smiling face, the heartfelt laughter, of a little red haired boy who would one day, when her final mission was complete, play here just as she had done over half a century before.

THE END


End file.
